Honest Illusions

Author: bondgal_rulz /

It feels like I'm under water. Everything's slow and far away. A minute or so later,I'm gasping for air. Frantic to get out of here. But scared of losing what I hold close.

 I had never wanted to have anything in my life that I couldn't stand to lose. But it was too late for that.

 My love story had ended. Just like that. No elaborate goodbyes, no blame games, no shedding of tears, no long drawn conversations - as simply and seamlessly as it had started.

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It was a summer of great promise. New city, new job, new people. I couldn't have been more excited. To teach in the erstwhile Delhi University was a dream come true. For as long as I could remember, I had wanted to be become a professor - the noblest profession of it all. To deliver lessons that would be immortal - affecting people yet unborn, people I will never see or know - to inspire lifelong learning and a passion for knowledge, to be an agent of the future -- the mere thought overwhelmed me.

My first day, like all the other firsts in my life was a disaster. A disaster whose ripples I still feel, commuting to work on a cold foggy morning, pretending to be lost in the book I'm holding. 

1 comments

My Minstrels Hath No Wreath to Weave for Thee

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

He saw the bloody rivers of injustice,
And begged me for words,
"Show them", he said, for his eyes were in tears.
That minstrel of my court forced a pen upon my hand.
And, thus I wrote -
'The cronies grow imperious day by day,
Their ruthless spirit grows stronger,
When? When will they stop?
When they doth kill the last shining ray?
Wherefore they kill their brothers from different religions?
Up in arms - bloody knives and swords and spears,
And flaming torches scaring even the thundered arcs.
Who hath but given them power?
Who doth bestow them right?
To annihilate all in their path.
Whose might begs them on, to crush but their like.'

"Write on!" said the Minstrel, pumped up and excited,
"Weave, spin, show them all", for his eyes were in tears,
And, thus I submissively wrote -
'What lust rules their vicious blood?
Where did they learn such gory games?
Not S/He, surely not His/Her lessons they show.
For, which commandment taught them such lunatic craving?
An avaricious act of rape!
Oh! As I read the newspaper, a picture unfolds.
A picture as dark as the blackest hole,
For no reaosn however bold,
Can justify this modern genocide masked by a charade.'

My hand shakes, and the pen but slips,
But, again rose the Minstrel, little had he to say,
His wet eyes were words enough,
And I couldn't help but write -
'I see hatred under every skin,
Poured into a terrorist up to the brim.
Petty jealousy and frustration reflects, as I walk by,
A weathered urchin on the road up high.
I see it on a father's brow,
Who murdered an innocent foetus.
I see it! I see it in the mirror,
When I simply turn around my face.'

The Minstrel's bloody eye woke me up, as if from a trance
And I could not help but vent -
'Greed grows manifold everyday,
It glares at me even from a dead man's face,
I, me, myself is all that we think about,
But to snatch the tiniest morsel,
Off the mouth of the needy!
But, to build a palace, by laying thousands in grave!
Whence came such justice,
Where corruption was God and,
Sufferers destined to servitude.
Whence came such commandments, for they surely are not His/Her.'

In his vehemence, he began to pur words  down my spine,
Through every part of my body, so much so that
I felt them as I wrote -
'They discriminate on color, birth, race, and sex;
In fact on everything but worth.
All crimes in plenty, for they let loose none but the guilty.
Oh! Don't you understand my Minstrel!
These words are just words.
They mean no more than land for a fish.
They mean not a penny for a wretched beggar.
They mean not a morsel for a malnourished child.
They mean but a blunt arrow to an archer.
Don't really expect much, my Minstrel,
For these words won't change a society so wild.
They are but hollow words; spoken vehemently,
By each Minstrel within every man of our society
Yet they are words that we all chose to ignore,
And therein horrendous crimes rule our kind,
To bring terror no more than faith.
Faith enough to believe that someday,
We might just open our eyes.
Terror enough to ensure,
That every man suffers before he dies.'

1 comments

Lost and (waiting to be) Found

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: ,

So this is how it feels, she thought, as she felt the fine granules of sand leaving her clenched fist to meet the earth. It was almost as if the earth was pulling them towards itself, and they had but little choice to not fall in its trap.

Not too long ago, she had felt sure that the fistful of sand in her hands was in her control. Completely. Entirely. Unequivocally.

So this is how it feels to see your life slipping out of your hands. To know that someone else held the strings all along and your beliefs were nothing but a make believe world you had created for yourself.

An unannounced gust of wind was enough to throw her off balance and make her let go of the sand that she had kept safe in her tiny hands despite the strong storm. The pebbles, the clip, and the pen cap had all been dropped, to preserve the sand. And now, it was gone too.

Your life is a mess. You know it. One aspect goes wrong and you try to fix it. Another aspect falls to pieces, you ignore it. But there is that one thing, you know will never go wrong. Because you have put all that you ever had in it, sometimes at the cost of other, more important things in life. And yet, one fateful day, you find yourself feeling empty. 

She stood there -
Watching the sand that had now become a part of the infinite on that beach.
Feeling helpless for she could not pick up the lost pieces.
Listening to the sounds of the subsiding storm outside
Raging a much stronger storm inside of her

If I was so sure of where I was going....how did I get so lost?

8 comments

The Void

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: ,

The hours go by, uncounted. The clock ticks, unwillingly. Wishing you would limbo into sleep so that it can rest too. You shift and toss around in bed. Try to shut your mind off. Remind yourself to shut your eyes too. You are falling into a bottomless pit. It is dark. Unbelievably dark. It feels like being sucked into a meaningless space, a space that has nothing except the color black.

You hear voices. In your head. You lean on the Metro door and look out towards the city lights. The chit chat of the chirpy girls does nothing to drown the voices. You plug your earphones in. The voices stop. Instead, a montage of images starts playing - replete with background music. In hapless frustration, you snap them out and swear.

The cold air hits your face. Much like reality. You close your eyes for some seconds. But you can't keep them closed for long. And then, the void again. You start to move. But the void doesn't. You are going into the center of the void. Slowly first, then faster. You want to scream. But the void clasps your mouth shut. You want to explode.....to shatter into millions of pieces, but the void holds you, till you choke.

3 comments

10 Things I hate about you....

Author: bondgal_rulz /

I hate you when I see you checking me out from the corner of my eye
I hate you when you talk to some other girl when I'm sitting right next to you
I hate you when you sing to make me go to sleep
I hate you when you touch me and make me go numb
I hate you when your warm breath touches me and I can't breathe
I hate you when you look me in the eyes and make me look away
I hate you when you manage to make me smile when I m mad at the world
I hate you when you apologise without knowing your mistake - just to make me feel better
I hate you when you give me that silly grin even when you are going crazy inside - again just to let me feel alright
And most of all I hate you when you say you want to spend the rest of your life with me




8 comments

Together. Forever?

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

She was a seductress. Both on AND off-stage.

She was singing like a Goddess. Even from a distance of some ten feet, she seemed to have eyes only for me. Her lustrous wavy hair buoying up and down, dainty hands making rhythmic movements, cherry red lips parting to make a voice that traversed the boundaries of my ears to reach my heart, the gentle sway of her slender waist - it all seemed to be only for me, despite the five hundred plus crowd.

Knowing her has been nothing short of magical. Her enchanting voice has me transported back to the day when our paths first crossed.

I had been shop-hopping with a friend trying to help him pick out something for his girl friend's birthday. A gentle tap on my shoulder had me turn around to look at the face (and more!) of the woman who'll change my life. Her "Do you have this in Size 26?" should have enraged the normal me but for the heavenly beauty she was. I had to almost remind myself that I was not a sales person. To this day, I'm not sure if this was an actual 'accident' or a staged one.

Three years, innumerable fights - with each other and for each other, several moments of doubts, and several plus thousand moments of bliss later - here we are. Still together, and very much in love.

My mornings are incomplete without her drowsy kisses and nights don't end without her lip-bruising ones. Her lazy sighs and gentle caresses, tender touch and warm breath still make me go weak in the knees.

There couldn't have been a better day to ask Nancy to be mine, forever.

Her first big ticket live performance. And the ceremony for my 'Young Female Entrepreneur of the Year' award.

Tonight we will raise a toast to Nancy and Avantika.

P.S. This is a complete figment of my imagination. There is absolutely no intent to stereotype anyone. If anything, it is an effort to make people embrace diversity. If I have offended anyone unknowingly by this post, I apologize.

12 comments

Life - as it is!

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , , ,

Have you ever taken a long walk and just felt - FREE?? I adore walking! It makes me feel like a supermodel who's walking her own ramp walk - with my own set of rules of course. All I need is a pair of headphones and some good music and I'm off to my wonderland. :)




Have you ever smiled, without reason? I used to do that. All. the. time. And no, not like some idiot smiling cos that's the only way he/she knows to react. It used to be amazing. I still pretty much do it. But don't really feel it. Unless of course it's a smile brought upon by a kid.


Have you ever looked at a kid playing in all its innocent glory and wanting one for yourself too. Badly. And only for yourself. Not to be shared with anyone. Why can't people have their own kids? Will it not be cool if you could do stuff to yourself and voila you have a baby!! It's quite neat the way I think it - I know I'll be good. And obviously if I'm good, I'm going to enjoy it. And at the end of it all I have what I want - without having to share it with anyone!


Have you swung so high on a swing that you felt you were on top of the world? No matter the height in measurable feet  - the distance from ground to the apex of the swing seeming downright divine.


Have you ever felt that you are a terrible terrible person? Have you ever felt incapable of being happy for other people? For people who perfectly deserve success. Heck! For people you don't even know well!? Have you ever dreamed of weird, contorted, and terrible things about people you hold dear?

6 comments

The Life That Could Have Been

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , , , ,

An experience - so surreal
A Love - so unconditional
Hearts - pure like dew drops
And eyes - Full of stars
Energy - that can only be termed supernatural

In a narrow gali of Seelampur, a school is where I discovered much to my joy that 'Love' still exists - that too in its purest form - unconditional.

As I walked into my class - a set of incredibly tiny children produced a resounding chorus of "Goood Aaaafternooooon Didi", which seemed too loud to be coming from them. And there! I had lost my heart to them.

Some shy, others super confident, most excited, a few lost in their own world - but all equally beautiful. One kiddo did a robot dance, another read out a story about a ghost that he had himself authored, and then we all sang "We shall overcome". And I know for a fact that at that point, each one of us in the classroom - all the kids, me, and the fellow (Vignesh) - believed in every word of the song.

Then began the crazy 'I-wanna-connect-with-you' session that I initiated. Asked random questions with predictable answers and high-fived with each of the kids when we had similar likes/dislikes. And the hi-5 frenzy pretty much continued for the rest of the day - right from the time we went to play to the last bye said.

Suddenly, everyone in the class wanted me to read out stories. And before I knew it, I had some six story books thrust in my hands! After I read the first one and Vignesh very politely gave me tips to make the reading session more effective, I read out a story called "Pehalwan Ji". And with Vignesh's tips, I managed to engage and enthrall (I think!) the kids! Then I read/enacted another one. And after that, refused further requests. :D

It was now PLAY TIME! But Vignesh, being the dedicated fellow that he is, played his role to the T and made the kids bargain hard for their share of play time. Finally, he gave in (who wouldn't??? when such a bunch of cuties are involved??!!) and the girls and the boys - former in a single file, led by me and latter haphazardly - proceeded to the play ground.

We played one of my favorite games as a kid - Dog and the bone!!! Some 20 minutes in the sun, scoring and missing at times, and occasional chants of "Cheating! Cheating!" later, the game came to an end, with the team I was a part of losing. :( :(

Back in the class, me and my team were made fun of by the other team. The sound of "Losers! Losers!" rang across the corridors. Losing had never felt so sweet.

And with that the school day came to an end. But a bunch of kids just didn't want to leave and hung around till the time I was there. I played keekli with the girls and mock fought with the boys. A little girl (Khushi) almost ordered me to come everyday to their class (presuming to be a fellow) and had me walk her to her home which was nearby. She even insisted that I visit her home!

FAVORITE MOMENT: One girl coming up to me and saying "Didi you are very nice. I is like you very much." And the other one standing by her side goes " And you are very beautiful." It was like the two were in some flattery competition!

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There will be day when the darkness will overpower the sunshine, when the mind will refuse to believe, when 'self' will want to give in to others. On those days, I will look back to these couple of hours and thank whoever/whatever it is that thought me worthy of experiencing this absolute bliss.

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A word about the TFI fellows:

These are young people. People who could have done anything with their lives but chose to teach in some of the most challenging classrooms. Respect.
Each one has his/her own story - of trials and tribulations - but their passion and determination won over them all. 

7 comments

Can we?

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

Remember the time when the joy of racing was not in winning but in going through it

When we would do things not because we were supposed to do them but because we wanted to

When speaking your mind was still in fashion and sexual politics was still a literary word

When we believed that we could snatch the stars from the sky and keep them as a decoration on our study table

Was it really such a long time ago? Can we not go back to feeling and being like that?

Like we get out houses renovated, can we not repair and renovate our spirits?

Can our souls not be like the clean shaven head - devoid of burdens and not afraid to disclose its vulnerability

Can’t we just BE?

3 comments

The land of far, far away

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , , , , , ,

Expectation was rife. Exaltation expected. Ebullience anticipated. The night was contained in the magnanimity of space.


The darkness settled in a comfortable stupor around me. The defined silhouettes promised of a light.

The air was cool, not crisp; the breeze fluid, not sharp; the twinkling sky beckoned....."Up above the world so high". Strains from a distant past rang in my ears.

There was magic around me.
I looked as far as my eyes would take me. The world expanded. I felt dwarfed. The cosmos stretched with great alacrity, I shrunk.

I was living in a fantasy.
And then I saw them......

The glittering trees, the bejewelled hills, the landscape shone all around me. Emeralds - bright, green emeralds glimmered. One step transported me back in time, in space, in reality, in illusion. I was standing on the threshold of the land of far, far away. My throat constricted.

I could have stood there forever. With my arms outstretched. Facing the heavens. Beauty in my eyes, hope in my heart.

And I did stand there.
Till the spell broke....
Till the magic paled into ignominy and the wind swept it away.....

Till I decided to embrace reality, and my munificence blurred my vision. Till the voices resounded in my head and reminded me of the banalities of the trees, the wind, the hills, the fireflies. And the whispers of the rich foliage, the sighing of the soft zephyr, the beauty of the uneven landscape, the glitter of the flying emeralds, all died an unnatural death.....

The child in me wept bitterly. She mourned my pragmatism that that had left her so far behind. She bemoaned my reality that had relegated her to the periphery of my soul. She struggled to regain her balance as she teetered precariously on the precipice of my rationale. She wept copious tears as she kept fading into a dazzling transparency. She made a final attempt and clutched urgently at my heart to liberate me from a world of calculations and premeditations, to rescue me from a world of sepia.

Suddenly color sprang to my eyes as I donned my glasses of magic. My vision returned and a strange warmth soothed my heart. The trees were indulging in musical banter, the breeze was kissing my cheeks, the hills were awakening to the enchantment, and the emeralds, the bright green emeralds were flitting about me without a care in the world. I stood alert, captivated and enraptured, in a land where sweet nothings adorned all tete-a-tetes, in a land where time came to a glorious halt, in a land where sensations flowed freely, in a land where the child was the precocious and the adult was the asinine, in a land resplendent with magic. In the land of far, far away.....

6 comments

Bitter Truths of Life

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

Everything is a sham.

People are disappointing. Self included.
No one can be trusted. Your judgment included.

10 comments

Reflections

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

Afraid of the light.

Tired of the noises.
Uneasy in crowds.
Devoid of desires.
Indifferent to emotions.
Disconnected from the world, its people, self.

Who is this that I see in the mirror?
A reflection it seems to be of me,
Why can I not then recognize myself?


10 comments

Dreamstruck!

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , 



The green of the trees and the blue of the sky is how my kids will learn colors
The slopes of the hills will make for their trigonometry lessons

The clouds in their hands will teach them precipitation

And the breeze in their hair will familiarize them with speed

Gravity will be understood by trips to the waterfall

Chirping birds will give them their first lesson in melody..

11 comments

Times...they are a changing

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , , ,

Her dad being painstakingly punctual, punctuality had been ingrained in the little girl too.


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Blinded by lights, the painter tried to shade her eyes, revealing a nude arm. The photographer, curious, stated questioningly "You never wear a watch.?"

"I don't like to be bound by the shackles of time," said she, with a half-smile.

8 comments

Pearls of Wisdom and More

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels:

I hate not him
Nor do I hate myself
For the cup of love
Is still filled to the brim

The thoughts in the head
To think, to know that
I mean nothing to him who was the world to me
Is what renders me dead

A tilted neck,
Eyes caught in the mirror
I see a pearl
That needs to be checked

Close...open
Close...open
Hoping against
Hope hopen

The eye now has a shine
The pearl courses along the rim of the eyelid
It stays and wells on the brim for a while, contemplating its decision
Before flowing downwards in a line

Moistening the dry cheek
It goes on to trace
The curve of the nose
And once more, all is bleak

Touching the lip,
It enters my mouth unauthorized
So much like him entering my life
Thee I taste and flip

Not salty it was
Like I expected
Devoid of love, taste, the ability to feel
Life I realized is at pause

I hate not him
Nor do I hate myself
For the cup of love
Is still filled to the brim

5 comments

Love - A Perspective

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: ,

Recently someone asked me "How long does it take for one to realize that he/she is in love?" I tried to answer though I too wasn't sure of it myself.


Today, having known what "love" feels like, I can answer that question. To fall in love, does not take a month or six, or some years and beyond.

All it takes is a moment. And you know that you are gone for life.

For some, that moment may be right when their eyes meet with someone, for others it might take years of random conversations and laughters shared.

People often say that they are confused if they are in love or not, but when love happens (Yes, it just happens), you are either in love or you are not. It's as simple or as complicated as that.

You dream of spending your entire life with that one person, having your own world with him/her, and you are not afraid to commit.

So guys, if any of YOU is in love and hasn't yet communicated it to the object of your affection, due to whatever reasons, GO! Go tell them now!! Cos it's an amazing feeling! Even if you are scared that the person may not reciprocate your sentiments, you have got to try and give it a fighting chance!

4 comments

Observations

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

Disclaimer: These observations are my observations and are thus limited to my knowledge of my world and can / should not be generalized. They may / may not be true for the entire population at large but they hold true as far as my knowledge is concerned

1. Girls can get jealous / insecure with other girls they don't even know for no reason at all. A slight glance by their boyfriend at another girl, the mere mention of another girl's name in a conversation with her guy (more so if she is someone hitherto absent from his life), the slightest appreciation of another girl by her boyfriend, the slightest appreciation of that girl by another friend (!!), can all be sources of this irrational jealousy.

2. Autowallahs ask double the fare when you are all dressed up and everything as opposed to the normal exorbitantly high fare that they ask for otherwise when you are plainly dressed. On these special occasions they finally settle for one and a half times the original high fare.

3. Naukri and chokri are not just two similar sounding words. There's much more in common between the two:

>> You keep thinking that you deserve something (someone) much better but do not make any efforts to move on, as you are extremely comfortable in/with the current one and are scared of whether or not the next one will even be worth it

>> You have this constant feeling that your efforts are not even noticed, let alone appreciated

>> Your guards go up at the very instant of a new entrant in the scene and consider him/her as competition

>> No matter how much you crib about it/her, how much you think it/her makes your life miserable, it all becomes 'worth it' at the end of the month when you receive your salary/when you receive that one hug, one kiss from her



P.S. I suddenly get this feeling that this post should have been titled "Similarities between naukri and chokri" :D

19 comments

If I were

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , ,

Haven't blogged in a long long while + Remembered seeing this tag on a couple of blogs + Easy day at office = The following:

If I were a month of the year, I'd be January - eagerly awaited for by everyone, bringing with it new promises and new hopes

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Friday - the perfect mix of work and party ;)

If I were a time of the day, I'd be dusk - that time of the day when light surrenders to the darkness around. When it's neither day nor night, quite like the much-talked about "grey".

If I were a season of the year, I'd be monsoon - the awesome-est, craziest, and most romantic season ever!!!

If I were an animal, I'd be a lioness - "For her greater strength and fierceness, the lioness is more feared by the hunter than the lion…If necessary she can become a warrior." – Abdu'l-Bahá

If I were a virtue, I'd be tenacity - not one to let go of things, beliefs, and people or be discouraged easily

If I were a planet, I'd be Venus - hot, volatile, and mysterious

If I were a liquid, I'd be Champagne - classy, bubbly, and heady ;)

If I were a gem, I'd be a pearl - pure, innocent, and honest. Not too shiny or over-offensive.

If I were a bird, I'd be a sparrow - common to the world, yet missed by those who love its chehchahat (that was tough to spell!!)

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a violin - having an unlimited range of sounds and arguably the most difficult string instrument to play

If I were a feeling, I'd be be hope - the feeling that'll come rushing to you even when you have nothing else left

If I were a sound, I'd be the sound of joyful laughter - bringing happiness to those laughing as well as those seeing/listening

If I were a song, I'd be Panga Na Le (from Makdee) - crazy, nonsensical, yet cute and happy :tha)
(As an after thought, maybe Aali Re from No One Killed Jessica - on the basis of what others think)

If I were a city, I'd be Delhi - loud, brash, unpredictable, full-of-life, and warm - all at the same time ;)

If I were a taste, I'd be spicy - hotness that'll leave you singed ;)

If I were a color, I'd be white - the color that reflects all others

If I were a body part, I'd be the eyes - silently seeing everything and speaking only to those who understand them.....

If I were a facial expression, I'd be a sunshine smile - the perfect ice-breaker

If I were a cartoon, I'd be Goofy - the name explains it all ;)

If I were a car, I'd be a yellow Lamborghini Gallardo - extreme!


P.S. Had thought of putting up pics with this one, but stooopid blogger has a 1
MB limit. :\

11 comments

(Kill)joy

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: ,


She was sure that it happened only in the movies.
The violins playing, the birds singing, and rose petals raining.
But here she was - her life, a candy floss movie.....



Broken violins, dead birds, and trampled rose beds.
The execution, surprisingly, was much easier than the planning.
Candy floss was never her taste anyway.

13 comments

All I know is that I know nothing

Author: bondgal_rulz / Labels: , , ,


Thought 1
The afternoon is lazy. Everyone is sleepy or already dozing. Yet for some stupid reason we all have to pretend to be doing our job. I never bought this idea (of pretending). You notice that 90% of the people are always trying to pretend and if someone were to try to do what he/she wants to do (say, if I were to walk out from office in the middle of the day), he/she would be called a rebel. I look out of the window and realize that a gentle breeze has started to blow. I notice the trees. I notice the leave on them. They look so happy, content with swaying in the breeze. They seem to be having so much fun, just looking at their motion changes my mood. I start to feel happy for no particular reason. I feel like jumping out of the window and joining them in their dance of joy. Damn! An email pops, yo come back to the world around you, reply to it, pull out your mask, and put it on for the next job.


Thought 2
Another breath goes in vain, another second is wasted. Time goes on ticking. What am I living for? I don't know. No aim, no goal, and no desire. All the ambitions which I have seem to be planted in me by parents or society. The enthusiasm has died long ago. The will to try out new things has surprisingly faded. The innocence has been replaced by layers of hypocrisy. Life has become a race to a place that no one has seen. My desire to find meaning in life has stabbed me in the back, making me realize the insignificance and irrelevance of the life I lead. Is this life? Did we grow up to be found lost in a strange place, confused and messed up?


Thought 3
The smoke rises. The embers crackle. The heart has burned away. Yet, life goes on. Deep beneath, a kernel of hope still exists. That is what keeps me. It is all about hope, hope that drives. But, as the pendulum swings over, all I can see is negativity. How did this happen? Somewhere along the way, the simplicity of childhood, the clean thoughts have parted ways. I'm left hurtling down the highway of thought, looking left and right, looking for answers. Some of this may seem irrelevant; but then again, relevance and irrelevance, who decides what is what? Where is life taking me? Drifter? Inspired by a specific purpose? Unsettling questions maybe, but we all have to face them sooner or later. Sooner is better any day. Till then my best bet is to hold on to the hope that my heart will be replace by something infinitely better....an inspired soul.


Thought 4
My heart is overwhelmed with emotions, my mind overflowing with thoughts. I was dead scared after a long time, confused to the core. I finally managed to look into his eyes - there was a strange silence...a deep connection. That was the moment. My hands went into his. I felt a sudden rush - a kind of uneasiness, but I had never felt better. I would do anything for this weird uneasiness. What was it that was so special about that touch? I guess it somehow made me feel complete, giving meaning to my existence. Finally, there was someone who could make sense of all the nonsense within me, who could understand me. My only desire at that point was to somehow freeze that moment and remain with him - forever....


Thought 5
Your stomach starts to churn, the blood begins to rush to your brain, you reasoning power starts to diminish. You love this instant burst of energy and a maniacal urge to scream and shout possesses you. You try to bang your head on the wall as hard as you can but some lost part of your brain tries to reduce the velocity of the impact. You feel like crying. Nah! Crying is for weak people. You wish you had someone to confide in. But what do you do when your rage is directed against yourself?

Then again, you are your own best judge. You know your problems, you are logical enough to identify and solve them. So why this constant turmoil, why this never ending struggle? Your efforts to do things right do not yield the results you desire; not that they matter to you anyway. But they do matter to the people who care about you.


Thought 6
A thousand goodbyes before the eternal hello. Goodbyes, there are lots of them - planned, unplanned, expected, unexpected, willing and unwilling. Is a goodbye a form of detachment? Or does absence make the heart grow fonder? But then again how many attachments can one form in this world? And isn't it better to have a sense of detachment to keep yourself from hurting? How many goodbyes are there in store for us? What kind will they be? Shall we find the eternal hello?

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