The afternoon is lazy. Everyone is sleepy or already dozing. Yet for some stupid reason we all have to pretend to be doing our job. I never bought this idea (of pretending). You notice that 90% of the people are always trying to pretend and if someone were to try to do what he/she wants to do (say, if I were to walk out from office in the middle of the day), he/she would be called a rebel. I look out of the window and realize that a gentle breeze has started to blow. I notice the trees. I notice the leave on them. They look so happy, content with swaying in the breeze. They seem to be having so much fun, just looking at their motion changes my mood. I start to feel happy for no particular reason. I feel like jumping out of the window and joining them in their dance of joy. Damn! An email pops, yo come back to the world around you, reply to it, pull out your mask, and put it on for the next job.
Thought 2
Another breath goes in vain, another second is wasted. Time goes on ticking. What am I living for? I don't know. No aim, no goal, and no desire. All the ambitions which I have seem to be planted in me by parents or society. The enthusiasm has died long ago. The will to try out new things has surprisingly faded. The innocence has been replaced by layers of hypocrisy. Life has become a race to a place that no one has seen. My desire to find meaning in life has stabbed me in the back, making me realize the insignificance and irrelevance of the life I lead. Is this life? Did we grow up to be found lost in a strange place, confused and messed up?
Thought 3
The smoke rises. The embers crackle. The heart has burned away. Yet, life goes on. Deep beneath, a kernel of hope still exists. That is what keeps me. It is all about hope, hope that drives. But, as the pendulum swings over, all I can see is negativity. How did this happen? Somewhere along the way, the simplicity of childhood, the clean thoughts have parted ways. I'm left hurtling down the highway of thought, looking left and right, looking for answers. Some of this may seem irrelevant; but then again, relevance and irrelevance, who decides what is what? Where is life taking me? Drifter? Inspired by a specific purpose? Unsettling questions maybe, but we all have to face them sooner or later. Sooner is better any day. Till then my best bet is to hold on to the hope that my heart will be replace by something infinitely better....an inspired soul.
Thought 4
My heart is overwhelmed with emotions, my mind overflowing with thoughts. I was dead scared after a long time, confused to the core. I finally managed to look into his eyes - there was a strange silence...a deep connection. That was the moment. My hands went into his. I felt a sudden rush - a kind of uneasiness, but I had never felt better. I would do anything for this weird uneasiness. What was it that was so special about that touch? I guess it somehow made me feel complete, giving meaning to my existence. Finally, there was someone who could make sense of all the nonsense within me, who could understand me. My only desire at that point was to somehow freeze that moment and remain with him - forever....
Thought 5
Your stomach starts to churn, the blood begins to rush to your brain, you reasoning power starts to diminish. You love this instant burst of energy and a maniacal urge to scream and shout possesses you. You try to bang your head on the wall as hard as you can but some lost part of your brain tries to reduce the velocity of the impact. You feel like crying. Nah! Crying is for weak people. You wish you had someone to confide in. But what do you do when your rage is directed against yourself?
Then again, you are your own best judge. You know your problems, you are logical enough to identify and solve them. So why this constant turmoil, why this never ending struggle? Your efforts to do things right do not yield the results you desire; not that they matter to you anyway. But they do matter to the people who care about you.
Thought 6
A thousand goodbyes before the eternal hello. Goodbyes, there are lots of them - planned, unplanned, expected, unexpected, willing and unwilling. Is a goodbye a form of detachment? Or does absence make the heart grow fonder? But then again how many attachments can one form in this world? And isn't it better to have a sense of detachment to keep yourself from hurting? How many goodbyes are there in store for us? What kind will they be? Shall we find the eternal hello?
