C'est La Vie....

Last week, a friend came up with a brilliant idea of playing a game to help make life more interesting, motivated, and rewarding.

Each week, the two of us give each other a task - it could be something we feel the other one would enjoy doing, something we think the other should be doing, or something that the other one has been procrastinating for a long time - the basic idea being to make sure the other person "lives" their life week by week through the medium of these tasks at least.

The failure to complete these tasks results in a penalty of INR 500 payable to the person who's given the task. Pretty cool, nay?

So my task for the week is to find "happiness" over the week in the small/big things around me. I had thought this will be a cakewalk, but over the last 2 days it's been very difficult to find happiness. Maybe this is an attention call for me to consciously try and stay happier if not happy.

Monday Happiness

On Monday, happiness struck on finally getting silky smooth straight hair after spending 5k and 4 hours in a salon and walking around with not-so-straight hair for 2 days and getting looks from friends and family which ranged from pity to disapproval to ridiculous. The feeling when I tried to take a selfie and saw that I didn't have to arrange my hair was quite unknown but cool nevertheless. 


Tuesday Happiness

On Tuesday, I found happiness amidst the most irritating situations - during a in-flight wait (which btw lasted 2 hours in case you missed my FB update). 

An American couple flying to Goa, with their cute little daughter and Bengali lady with her young kids - a boy and a little girl - were my lucky fellow passengers. The Indian girl (whose name incidentally was Isha too) came out on the aisle and walked towards the American baby, who was almost overwhelmed at spotting another person her age an that too from her own gender. She tried calling out to her mom by pointing at the Indian girl - the way you or me would do if we see let's say a unicorn walking on the streets. The two girls kept standing in front of each other and smiling at each other - communication did not seem to require words for them. And then the Indian girl addressed the other little one as "baby" and it was so hilarious - a toddler calling a tinier toddler a baby. 














In a flight where all the adults were busy cursing the airlines and rescheduling their days - these 2 girls were happy to just have found each other and the rest really didn't matter to them. Who said lessons are learnt only in classrooms and from old and wise teachers? I learnt mine from the most cuddly things. :)

Wednesday Happiness

Just like a fart, happiness sees not the time of the day or place to occur - it just happens! Wednesday, happiness surprised me early in the morning - that part of the day where I would least expect it.


My flatmate who usually plays mind-numbing pop music on her laptop in the morning much to my annoyance had today decided to listen to a soft hindi number. The happiness that ran through my still-in-sleep-mode body when I heard "Pehli Baar Mohabbat Ki Hai" while brushing my teeth must surely have been visible in my puffy eyes. Truly, this was one of those "zindagi ki sasti khushiyan" :)

Thursday Happiness

Okay, so Thursday was a particularly horrid day. I burnt one of my favorite tops while ironing it and more importantly my hair was turning out to be a complete mess post its first wash after the smoothening treatment. So when a friend asked to meet up, I greedily took up the offer even if it meant traveling halfway across the city. And well, I can confidently say that mid-week celebrations are under-rated. In that corner of the maddening city that Bombay (yes, we all prefer Bombay, still), I was pleasantly happy to draw parallels between Hiranandani and Connaught Place, even if they were not necessarily accurate. And then the freedom and safety to be able to head back home alone well past mid-night, albeit in an Ola cab does give you a very grow-up kind of high.


Friday Happiness

Friday's happiness unlike the previous days' happiness, was known before hand. A dear dear friend had come to town and gave me an early start to the weekend. We met up for lunch and talked about things we had discussed multiple times before, things we had hid from each other, things we thought we had hid from each other but had actually told each other, things about ourselves we were unaware of because of being in a semi-conscious state. Though the lunch itself was nothing to write home about, the ambiance of the cafe, the lazy afternoon, the company, and the memories more than made up for it. And then the cherry on the cake was that I got my extremelyyyyyyyy (trust me, I can not emphasize this enough) miser friend to pay!!!!!! Happy Friday indeed!


Saturday Happiness

Happiness flooded and drowned me on Saturday. I shopped around alone and bought a couple of necessary and not-so-necessary-yet-quite-cool things (read clothes). A random band was playing slightly jarry music in the over crowded mall and I was just standing and looking around - since I had nothing better to do. I actually spotted a familiar face in the milling crowd, and was amazed that so early in my stint here I had come to the point where a visit to the mall means bumping into someone or the other you know. Not a bad feeling at all.

Coming back to an empty house (the sheer bliss!), and looking out at the sparkling city lights through my 6th floor bedroom window, I realized that there is some road out there which has street lights that look just like a mini Queen's necklace from here (yeah yeah call me deluded). There is something about yellow lights that just fills up your body with warmth and hope and all things good - like the smell of good coffee.

The day ended on a high note with me witnessing what I can only call a circus, right outside SRK's house. To cut a long story short, it was his birthday, celebrities were pouring in, and people were losing their sanity and self-respect. I ignored when Rohit Shetty's car passed by, even when Anushka Sharma (who seemed a real snob btw and seemed to be having a bad hair day), and when when the Power Couple's (AB's baby and his babe aka Aishwarya) car came along, but I COULD NOT, just COULD NOT resist when Kunal Kapoor's car arrived. He is so-effing-HOT! And turns out he's super chilled-out too - on my requesting him  to roll down his car window, he sweetly mouthed "can't do" while shaking his head and smiled and waved. *drooooool*

And I had a tiny celebrity moment myself, when people started looking into the car I was in to check if it was a celebrity. Some of them even banged the windows and though they realized that we were ordinary people just like them, they cheered and waved at us nonetheless. Mob energy, I tell ya!

Sunday Happiness

Sunday happiness is writing long-ass mails to a friend across the ocean who for some crazy reason has either experienced / or is simultaneously experiencing the same things as I am. Sharing our opinions, thoughts, and pretty much our lives on mail, makes me forget the distance that lies between us. I pretty much feel like a philosopher each time I write to her and that's mostly thanks to the insightful questions she asks me.


Author's note: In the past seven days, a lot of happy things happened as you read above, but a lot more not-so-happy things happened too. In life, there will always be the good and the bad and the bad will always manifest itself much more strongly than the good. This exercise made me realize that we need to make a conscious effort to overlook the bad and focus on the good. It's not easy, not easy at all. But a start is all that needs to be made. More often than not, happiness does not "happen" or "occur", it needs to be pursued - relentlessly - like that elusive CAT score, or that playing-hard-to-get boy/girl who you think is 'The One" for you - and only then will it come to you. Happy pursuing!

It's not easy being in a long distance relationship.
Long distance relationships are doomed to fail the test of time.
It's impossible to bridge the physical gap. 

These are the most common things I heard from friends and family when I volunteered to share my new boyfriend's - who was based out of a different city than mine - details. So, cautious of the ill-fate that my LDR may meet and armed with all the advice and suggestions from the said parties I started seeing this guy.

We had a whirl of a time discovering each other, the place each of us called home, the different lingo we had for the same things, falling off to sleep while listening to the other's voice on phone, learning what a boon Skype was for people like us. Until it all ended. And physical gap was one of the last things to be blamed.

Yes, long distance relationships can be tough. But aren't all relationships tough by default? I constantly find myself working hard to maintain harmonious relations with my folks, friends, and colleagues. So why single out this?

Truth be told, I loved every bit of this so-called tough-to-maintain-relationship. And here's why:

1. NO PRESSURE TO LOOK DROP DEAD GORGEOUS 24X7
Not that I'm some Prom Queen, but being a girl there usually is an expectation to look good each and every time you meet the object of your affection. And more so in the initial phase of the relationship, when both of you are testing the waters. Not anymore! I could have all my phone dates with unkempt hair, chipped nails, and in pajamas! And Skype too - as the amazing camera quality can barely capture the difference between a Barbie and a poorly-aging-Britney.

2. STRAIGHT TO THE BUSINESS
Seeing each other after long gaps, you'd be so eager to catch up that you would rarely bother with the small talk. And more often than not, with the pressure of the clock ticking away, you'll be getting under the sheets at the first opportunity that comes along. Time would never feel so precious.

3. PLAY TOURIST
You get to discover all about a new place - and not just the touristy things. You get to really see the city from the perspective of someone who calls it home, who is aware of all the magic that the city offers and also all the grimy details it hides. The entire tour guide and tourist role play also offers a set-up for interesting dates.

4. FREE-ED UP WEEKENDS
Ever wondered how our girl friends usually know that there's a new guy in our life without us even telling them? That's because we usually cut them off / drastically reduce time spent with them each time this happens. We promise ourselves that we wouldn't do it the next time onwards and yet....But with your boyfriend safely tucked away in another part of the world, you still have all the weekends to yourself for partying and shopping with girl friends, going for family outings, and catching up with life in general.

5. MAGICAL REALISM
Even the most routine of things - like making tea in the kitchen, watching a movie on the laptop sitting next to each other - become nothing short of magical. Sharing a meal together is as exciting as going on a ride in an amusement park. Just being able to touch their face and smell their fragrance....breathe the same air as them...would become the stuff of your dreams.

It feels like I'm under water. Everything's slow and far away. A minute or so later,I'm gasping for air. Frantic to get out of here. But scared of losing what I hold close.

I had never wanted to have anything in my life that I couldn't stand to lose. But it was too late for that.

My love story had ended. Just like that. No elaborate goodbyes, no blame games, no shedding of tears, no long drawn conversations - as simply and seamlessly as it had started.

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It was a summer of great promise. New city, new job, new people. I couldn't have been more excited. To teach in the erstwhile Delhi University was a dream come true. For as long as I could remember, I had wanted to be become a professor - the noblest profession of it all. To deliver lessons that would be immortal - affecting people yet unborn, people I will never see or know - to inspire lifelong learning and a passion for knowledge, to be an agent of the future -- the mere thought overwhelmed me.

My first day, like all the other firsts in my life was a disaster. A disaster whose ripples I still feel, commuting to work on a cold foggy morning, pretending to be lost in the book I'm holding. 

He saw the bloody rivers of injustice,
And begged me for words,
"Show them", he said, for his eyes were in tears.
That minstrel of my court forced a pen upon my hand.
And, thus I wrote -
'The cronies grow imperious day by day,
Their ruthless spirit grows stronger,
When? When will they stop?
When they doth kill the last shining ray?
Wherefore they kill their brothers from different religions?
Up in arms - bloody knives and swords and spears,
And flaming torches scaring even the thundered arcs.
Who hath but given them power?
Who doth bestow them right?
To annihilate all in their path.
Whose might begs them on, to crush but their like.'

"Write on!" said the Minstrel, pumped up and excited,
"Weave, spin, show them all", for his eyes were in tears,
And, thus I submissively wrote -
'What lust rules their vicious blood?
Where did they learn such gory games?
Not S/He, surely not His/Her lessons they show.
For, which commandment taught them such lunatic craving?
An avaricious act of rape!
Oh! As I read the newspaper, a picture unfolds.
A picture as dark as the blackest hole,
For no reaosn however bold,
Can justify this modern genocide masked by a charade.'

My hand shakes, and the pen but slips,
But, again rose the Minstrel, little had he to say,
His wet eyes were words enough,
And I couldn't help but write -
'I see hatred under every skin,
Poured into a terrorist up to the brim.
Petty jealousy and frustration reflects, as I walk by,
A weathered urchin on the road up high.
I see it on a father's brow,
Who murdered an innocent foetus.
I see it! I see it in the mirror,
When I simply turn around my face.'

The Minstrel's bloody eye woke me up, as if from a trance
And I could not help but vent -
'Greed grows manifold everyday,
It glares at me even from a dead man's face,
I, me, myself is all that we think about,
But to snatch the tiniest morsel,
Off the mouth of the needy!
But, to build a palace, by laying thousands in grave!
Whence came such justice,
Where corruption was God and,
Sufferers destined to servitude.
Whence came such commandments, for they surely are not His/Her.'

In his vehemence, he began to pur words  down my spine,
Through every part of my body, so much so that
I felt them as I wrote -
'They discriminate on color, birth, race, and sex;
In fact on everything but worth.
All crimes in plenty, for they let loose none but the guilty.
Oh! Don't you understand my Minstrel!
These words are just words.
They mean no more than land for a fish.
They mean not a penny for a wretched beggar.
They mean not a morsel for a malnourished child.
They mean but a blunt arrow to an archer.
Don't really expect much, my Minstrel,
For these words won't change a society so wild.
They are but hollow words; spoken vehemently,
By each Minstrel within every man of our society
Yet they are words that we all chose to ignore,
And therein horrendous crimes rule our kind,
To bring terror no more than faith.
Faith enough to believe that someday,
We might just open our eyes.
Terror enough to ensure,
That every man suffers before he dies.'

So this is how it feels, she thought, as she felt the fine granules of sand leaving her clenched fist to meet the earth. It was almost as if the earth was pulling them towards itself, and they had but little choice to not fall in its trap.

Not too long ago, she had felt sure that the fistful of sand in her hands was in her control. Completely. Entirely. Unequivocally.

So this is how it feels to see your life slipping out of your hands. To know that someone else held the strings all along and your beliefs were nothing but a make believe world you had created for yourself.

An unannounced gust of wind was enough to throw her off balance and make her let go of the sand that she had kept safe in her tiny hands despite the strong storm. The pebbles, the clip, and the pen cap had all been dropped, to preserve the sand. And now, it was gone too.

Your life is a mess. You know it. One aspect goes wrong and you try to fix it. Another aspect falls to pieces, you ignore it. But there is that one thing, you know will never go wrong. Because you have put all that you ever had in it, sometimes at the cost of other, more important things in life. And yet, one fateful day, you find yourself feeling empty. 

She stood there -
Watching the sand that had now become a part of the infinite on that beach.
Feeling helpless for she could not pick up the lost pieces.
Listening to the sounds of the subsiding storm outside
Raging a much stronger storm inside of her

If I was so sure of where I was going....how did I get so lost?

The hours go by, uncounted. The clock ticks, unwillingly. Wishing you would limbo into sleep so that it can rest too. You shift and toss around in bed. Try to shut your mind off. Remind yourself to shut your eyes too. You are falling into a bottomless pit. It is dark. Unbelievably dark. It feels like being sucked into a meaningless space, a space that has nothing except the color black.

You hear voices. In your head. You lean on the Metro door and look out towards the city lights. The chit chat of the chirpy girls does nothing to drown the voices. You plug your earphones in. The voices stop. Instead, a montage of images starts playing - replete with background music. In hapless frustration, you snap them out and swear.

The cold air hits your face. Much like reality. You close your eyes for some seconds. But you can't keep them closed for long. And then, the void again. You start to move. But the void doesn't. You are going into the center of the void. Slowly first, then faster. You want to scream. But the void clasps your mouth shut. You want to explode.....to shatter into millions of pieces, but the void holds you, till you choke.

She was a seductress. Both on AND off-stage.

She was singing like a Goddess. Even from a distance of some ten feet, she seemed to have eyes only for me. Her lustrous wavy hair buoying up and down, dainty hands making rhythmic movements, cherry red lips parting to make a voice that traversed the boundaries of my ears to reach my heart, the gentle sway of her slender waist - it all seemed to be only for me, despite the five hundred plus crowd.

Knowing her has been nothing short of magical. Her enchanting voice has me transported back to the day when our paths first crossed.

I had been shop-hopping with a friend trying to help him pick out something for his girl friend's birthday. A gentle tap on my shoulder had me turn around to look at the face (and more!) of the woman who'll change my life. Her "Do you have this in Size 26?" should have enraged the normal me but for the heavenly beauty she was. I had to almost remind myself that I was not a sales person. To this day, I'm not sure if this was an actual 'accident' or a staged one.

Three years, innumerable fights - with each other and for each other, several moments of doubts, and several plus thousand moments of bliss later - here we are. Still together, and very much in love.

My mornings are incomplete without her drowsy kisses and nights don't end without her lip-bruising ones. Her lazy sighs and gentle caresses, tender touch and warm breath still make me go weak in the knees.

There couldn't have been a better day to ask Nancy to be mine, forever.

Her first big ticket live performance. And the ceremony for my 'Young Female Entrepreneur of the Year' award.

Tonight we will raise a toast to Nancy and Avantika.

P.S. This is a complete figment of my imagination. There is absolutely no intent to stereotype anyone. If anything, it is an effort to make people embrace diversity. If I have offended anyone unknowingly by this post, I apologize.

Have you ever taken a long walk and just felt - FREE?? I adore walking! It makes me feel like a supermodel who's walking her own ramp walk - with my own set of rules of course. All I need is a pair of headphones and some good music and I'm off to my wonderland. :)




Have you ever smiled, without reason? I used to do that. All. the. time. And no, not like some idiot smiling cos that's the only way he/she knows to react. It used to be amazing. I still pretty much do it. But don't really feel it. Unless of course it's a smile brought upon by a kid.


Have you ever looked at a kid playing in all its innocent glory and wanting one for yourself too. Badly. And only for yourself. Not to be shared with anyone. Why can't people have their own kids? Will it not be cool if you could do stuff to yourself and voila you have a baby!! It's quite neat the way I think it - I know I'll be good. And obviously if I'm good, I'm going to enjoy it. And at the end of it all I have what I want - without having to share it with anyone!


Have you swung so high on a swing that you felt you were on top of the world? No matter the height in measurable feet  - the distance from ground to the apex of the swing seeming downright divine.


Have you ever felt that you are a terrible terrible person? Have you ever felt incapable of being happy for other people? For people who perfectly deserve success. Heck! For people you don't even know well!? Have you ever dreamed of weird, contorted, and terrible things about people you hold dear?

In a narrow gali of Seelampur, a school is where I discovered much to my joy that 'Love' still exists - that too in its purest form - unconditional.

As I walked into my class - a set of incredibly tiny children produced a resounding chorus of "Goood Aaaafternooooon Didi", which seemed too loud to be coming from them. And there! I had lost my heart to them.

Some shy, others super confident, most excited, a few lost in their own world - but all equally beautiful. One kiddo did a robot dance, another read out a story about a ghost that he had himself authored, and then we all sang "We shall overcome". And I know for a fact that at that point, each one of us in the classroom - all the kids, me, and the fellow (Vignesh) - believed in every word of the song.

Then began the crazy 'I-wanna-connect-with-you' session that I initiated. Asked random questions with predictable answers and high-fived with each of the kids when we had similar likes/dislikes. And the hi-5 frenzy pretty much continued for the rest of the day - right from the time we went to play to the last bye said.

Suddenly, everyone in the class wanted me to read out stories. And before I knew it, I had some six story books thrust in my hands! After I read the first one and Vignesh very politely gave me tips to make the reading session more effective, I read out a story called "Pehalwan Ji". And with Vignesh's tips, I managed to engage and enthrall (I think!) the kids! Then I read/enacted another one. And after that, refused further requests. :D

It was now PLAY TIME! But Vignesh, being the dedicated fellow that he is, played his role to the T and made the kids bargain hard for their share of play time. Finally, he gave in (who wouldn't??? when such a bunch of cuties are involved??!!) and the girls and the boys - former in a single file, led by me and latter haphazardly - proceeded to the play ground.

We played one of my favorite games as a kid - Dog and the bone!!! Some 20 minutes in the sun, scoring and missing at times, and occasional chants of "Cheating! Cheating!" later, the game came to an end, with the team I was a part of losing. :( :(

Back in the class, me and my team were made fun of by the other team. The sound of "Losers! Losers!" rang across the corridors. Losing had never felt so sweet.

And with that the school day came to an end. But a bunch of kids just didn't want to leave and hung around till the time I was there. I played keekli with the girls and mock fought with the boys. A little girl (Khushi) almost ordered me to come everyday to their class (presuming to be a fellow) and had me walk her to her home which was nearby. She even insisted that I visit her home!

FAVORITE MOMENT: One girl coming up to me and saying "Didi you are very nice. I is like you very much." And the other one standing by her side goes " And you are very beautiful." It was like the two were in some flattery competition!

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There will be day when the darkness will overpower the sunshine, when the mind will refuse to believe, when 'self' will want to give in to others. On those days, I will look back to these couple of hours and thank whoever/whatever it is that thought me worthy of experiencing this absolute bliss.

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A word about the TFI fellows:

These are young people. People who could have done anything with their lives but chose to teach in some of the most challenging classrooms. Respect.
Each one has his/her own story - of trials and tribulations - but their passion and determination won over them all. 

The darkness settled in a comfortable stupor around me. The defined silhouettes promised of a light.

The air was cool, not crisp; the breeze fluid, not sharp; the twinkling sky beckoned....."Up above the world so high". Strains from a distant past rang in my ears.

There was magic around me.

I looked as far as my eyes would take me. The world expanded. I felt dwarfed. The cosmos stretched with great alacrity, I shrunk.

I was living in a fantasy.

And then I saw them......

The glittering trees, the bejewelled hills, the landscape shone all around me. Emeralds - bright, green emeralds glimmered. One step transported me back in time, in space, in reality, in illusion. I was standing on the threshold of the land of far, far away. My throat constricted.

I could have stood there forever. With my arms outstretched. Facing the heavens. Beauty in my eyes, hope in my heart.

And I did stand there.

Till the spell broke....

Till the magic paled into ignominy and the wind swept it away.....

Till I decided to embrace reality, and my munificence blurred my vision. Till the voices resounded in my head and reminded me of the banalities of the trees, the wind, the hills, the fireflies. And the whispers of the rich foliage, the sighing of the soft zephyr, the beauty of the uneven landscape, the glitter of the flying emeralds, all died an unnatural death.....

The child in me wept bitterly. She mourned my pragmatism that that had left her so far behind. She bemoaned my reality that had relegated her to the periphery of my soul. She struggled to regain her balance as she teetered precariously on the precipice of my rationale. She wept copious tears as she kept fading into a dazzling transparency. She made a final attempt and clutched urgently at my heart to liberate me from a world of calculations and premeditations, to rescue me from a world of sepia.

Suddenly color sprang to my eyes as I donned my glasses of magic. My vision returned and a strange warmth soothed my heart. The trees were indulging in musical banter, the breeze was kissing my cheeks, the hills were awakening to the enchantment, and the emeralds, the bright green emeralds were flitting about me without a care in the world. I stood alert, captivated and enraptured, in a land where sweet nothings adorned all tete-a-tetes, in a land where time came to a glorious halt, in a land where sensations flowed freely, in a land where the child was the precocious and the adult was the asinine, in a land resplendent with magic. In the land of far, far away.....

People are disappointing. Self included.

No one can be trusted. Your judgment included.

Tired of the noises.

Uneasy in crowds.

Devoid of desires.

Indifferent to emotions.

Disconnected from the world, its people, self.

Who is this that I see in the mirror?

A reflection it seems to be of me,

Why can I not then recognize myself?

The green of the trees and the blue of the sky is how my kids will learn colors

The slopes of the hills will make for their trigonometry lessons

The clouds in their hands will teach them precipitation

And the breeze in their hair will familiarize them with speed

Gravity will be understood by trips to the waterfall

Chirping birds will give them their first lesson in melody..